there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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