so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
