Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
