I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
