lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she told me i tasted like america
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
