It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
