I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
