remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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