you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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