Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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