When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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