This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
