A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
