On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
