You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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