i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
