no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
