Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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