That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I intend to get homeless drunk
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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