your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
