She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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