Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
