so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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