we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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