She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
