I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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