So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
