I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
