I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
