someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
