We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
