I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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