Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
