i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
