It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
A+ Viking dick
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