I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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