I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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