i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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