'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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