is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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