How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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