we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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