if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
