i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
