I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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