I will die if light touches me.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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