you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
