I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
