Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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