i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
