just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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