I skipped work to stalk him.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
