Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You ruined the universe
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
