why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
